Toilet Door Poetry

2008-07-01T10:13:00.000-07:00

‘Art Don’t Pay My Bills,’ exclaimed the spidery scrawl on the hand-dryer of Monkey Chews’ less-than-salubrious toilets, ‘Daddy Does!’

And that, I believe, was the start.

Soon, everywhere I went, I noticed that London’s inebriated tribes are wont to leaving a slug trail of graffiti across our divier bars that is at best genius – and at worst bottom-numbing – but always worth snapping.

Whilst the phenomenon is not unique to our city (in the US it’s hilariously called ‘Bathroom Art Expression’; and even Parisians are prone to Piaf-like sentiments – ‘La vie est courte. Pas les temps pour les regrets’ reads une toilette in Montmartre), it’s in London that WC poets are at their most aphoristic (and perhaps drunk).

‘Men are never so serious, thoughtful, and intent, as when they are at stool,’ declared Swift in Gulliver’s Travels. Let’s put that theory to the test in 2008...Excluding sexual graffiti, which admittedly has an, erm, utilitarian place, we have four clear categories. First up, and to be dispatched quickly, is the Uninspired. I mean, which pork-pie hat abuser at Crobar was dull enough to impart ‘Neil Aspinall is the 5th Beatle’? And hands up the numbnuts at Nambuca who whinnied: ‘Best to know what you’re looking for before you look.’ While we’re at it, the private joke is best not shared: ‘If you read this you’re Devon Malcom (sic)’. Nul Points.

It’s late. You’ve been dumped. The booze is puppeteering every movement. Fancy sharing some hard-won Life Advice? ‘Remember, no matter how cute he is, some girl somewhere is tired of taking his shit,’ warns one weary lass at the Foundry, whilst a boy proselytizes: ‘Find yourself then look for others.’ There’s even belated concern for our departed PM: ‘Tony Blair you’ve got worms under your skin’. And, look out, partygoers at Lock Tavern, one sage is blowing the whistle on your transience: ‘It will all end in tears.’

But maybe the evening’s going rather well. You’re the life and soul. Time for a little of category three: Humour. ‘Jesus saves but he should have invested,’ chuckles one comic. Meanwhile, next door a girl scribbles, ‘My mother made me a lesbian.’ ‘If I get her the wool will she make me one?’ cackles another underneath.

Finally: Poetry. Of highest pedigree is ‘The Candle’s burning and the wax ain’t happy’, which would have pleased Swift in both concept and verbal economy, but the best examples are hauntingly simple: ‘I wouldn’t want to take me home,’ whispers one reveller, a lone voice on a Friday night echoing a million others, whilst ‘I live in hope/ I sleep in Stepney’, seems to evoke, haiku-like, both the silvery aspirations and realities of life in the Big Smoke.

And as for my contribution? Well, Somerset Maugham once observed that in each shave lies a philosophy; a quick rework, and – hey presto.

Anything to, erm, purge? Leave a comment below or email benchpoetry@googlemail.com

Time Out Feature Out Jul 3

2008-06-18T08:18:00.000-07:00

Time Out are publishing a feature on Toilet Door Poetry on July 3. http://www.timeout.com/

Toilet Door Poetry

2007-02-16T04:12:00.001-08:00

"Monosexuality Kills"

Bardens Boudoir, Dalston N1

Toilet Door Poetry

2007-02-16T04:11:00.000-08:00

"Fast Face. Kevin was a snail in voice and sleep. He didn't like birds much"

Bardens Boudoir, Dalston N1

Toilet Door Poetry

2007-02-16T04:10:00.000-08:00

"I was in the Dulux Advert"

Bardens Boudoir, Dalston N1

Toilet Door Poetry

2007-02-05T02:21:00.000-08:00

"La vie est courte. Pas les temps pour les regrets"

Cafe des 2 Moulins, Montmartre, Paris

Toilet Door Poetry

2006-12-11T02:59:00.000-08:00

"Stop smirkin' bitch! These are my only pants!"

Anonymous

Toilet Door Poetry

2006-11-30T09:50:00.000-08:00

"I want to be a girl"

"No you don't"

"Well suck my cock"

From The Foundry, N1

Toilet Door Poetry

2006-11-28T05:34:00.000-08:00

"Believe in me and you shall not perish - Boy George"

"For as the wind blows it ripples, like a fat man's wobbly nipples"

The Foundry N1

Toilet Door Poetry

2006-11-28T05:32:00.000-08:00

"Jonathan is a total twat" "Generally alright guy"

"My wife makes me graffiti the loo...how ironic"

The Foundry, Old St N1

Toilet Door Poetry

2006-11-28T05:30:00.000-08:00

"The Rule is to shuffle, then reorganize"

"If you're into MySpace you're a fuckhead"

From The Foundry, Old St N1

Toilet Door Poetry

2006-11-28T05:28:00.000-08:00

"This place is haven for self-proclaimed degenerates"

"You must have chaos in yourself to give birth to a dancing star"

Both from The Foundry, Old St N1

Toilet Door Poetry

2006-11-28T05:26:00.000-08:00

"The Candle is burning and the wax ain't happy"

"Check yourself b4 you wr-wr-wr-wreck yourself!"

Both from The Foundry, Old St N1

Toilet Door Poetry

2006-11-15T10:48:00.000-08:00

"I came, I dumped, I left 22/09/06"

The Coach & Horses, Soho W1

Toilet Door Poetry

2006-11-15T10:45:00.000-08:00

"Prince is living proof that Liberace fucked Little Richard"

***

"I love that French barmaid"

***

"Is your bed calling?"

***

"Make Doherty History"

From The French House, W1

Toilet Door Poetry

2006-11-15T10:43:00.000-08:00

"Watch u don't piss on the floor"

From the ceiling at Crobar, Tottenham Ct Rd W1

Toilet Door Poetry

2006-11-15T10:41:00.000-08:00

"Think of this. If any of this made sense why would you be reading/living it?"

"Steve Irwin is a dead cunt. Ha Ha Ha"

The Coach & Horses, Soho W1

Toilet Door Poetry

2006-11-15T10:39:00.000-08:00

"Dammit they were right"

The Fitzroy Tavern, Charlotte St W1

Toilet Door Poetry

2006-11-15T10:37:00.000-08:00

"I love Claire...she is in here"

***

"An Australian tourist was here"

***

"Norman, you're an ignorant shite"

From The Coach & Horses, Soho W1

Toilet Door Poetry

2006-11-12T08:40:00.000-08:00

"Does this make you happy?"

***

"Never trust a boy. "

"RIGHT!!!"

***

"Monkey swallows the universe."

***

"What if I never meet anyone as perfect as she was?"

***

"God I love Kensey so much!!! Please don't let him dump me!"

All taken from the female toilets, Nambucca, Holloway Road N7

Toilet Door Poetry

2006-11-12T08:33:00.000-08:00

"Everyone just fuck off back to Top Man"

***

"I'm not sure if I like Tom Farrers' hair that much don't get me wrong I love him and that but it's just a bit skanky."

"I like it better now."

***

"BLAH BLAH BLAH would like to apologise to the cleaning lady but hope she will take time to listen to their website."

***

"Members of the public are shit."

"Better than your face."

***

"Everyone should hate Hard-Fi. FACT."

***

"Cajun Dance Party Pissed here. 06."

All take from the male toilets, Nambucca, Holloway Road N7

Toilet Door Poetry

2006-11-09T08:25:00.000-08:00

"Rossa sucks donkey dick oh my gosh"

Monkey Chews NW5

Toilet Door Poetry

2006-11-09T08:24:00.000-08:00

"Up your kilt with a six of chips"

Unremembered location

Toilet Door Poetry

2006-11-09T08:23:00.000-08:00

"This isn't gay enough"

The Enterprise NW1

Toilet Door Poetry

2006-11-09T08:22:00.000-08:00

"In a time of universal deceit, telling the truth is a revolutionary act"

Monkey Chews NW5

Toilet Door Poetry

2006-11-09T08:21:00.000-08:00

"Cocksuckers are idiots. Gays are from hell"

The Marathon, Chalk Farm Road

Toilet Door Poetry

2006-11-09T08:14:00.000-08:00

"Play toilet tennis...look right"

The Marathon, Chalk Farm Road

Toilet Door Poetry

2006-11-09T08:12:00.000-08:00

"Art Don't Pay My Bills. Daddy does"

Monkey Chews NW5

Toilet Door Poetry

2006-11-08T09:22:00.000-08:00

"Some come here to sit and think
And some come here to wonder
But I've come here to shit and stink
And fart like fucking thunder "

Toilet Door Poetry

2006-11-08T08:48:00.000-08:00

"I am glad Kurt Cobain is dead"

Carling Academy

Toilet Door Poetry

2006-10-26T08:36:00.000-07:00

"Anger is a blessing"

GAY bar, Charing Cross Road

"Stay punk stay drunk"

"Tony Blair, you've got worms under your skin"

"The Mean Fiddler kills music dead"

"Nothing short of total war"

"Sadie has AIDs"

"Rapid Wank Foundation"

All from Foundry, Old St